How to Sell Bikes to Women

My roommate is a bike mechanic. She is also a lady. Apparently that is a big deal or something, which is surprising to me, since I thought that ladies could do things now[1].  Turns out, I was only medium correct – ladies can do some things now, but not too many things. And they need special treatment when doing things like buying bike-related products. This is something we need to LEARN ABOUT. FROM SEMINARS. WITH POWERPOINTS.

One such seminar on “HOW TO SELL BIKES TO WOMEN,” to be known simply as HTS-BTW forthwith, was the brainchild of a certain bike company that shall not be named (VOLDEMORT). I firmly believe the following facts from said REAL seminar are valid and essential enough to pass on to all of you:

--Women are referral machines. Finally someone is acknowledging the too-long unspoken truth that women are in fact not human beings! Once we accept this, we can really get over that whole sexism thing. Rather than continuing to treat women like people,[2] we should simply harness their machine-power for our own capitalistic good.

--Women like to shop, while men like to buy. Traits like these are carried in the X and Y chromosomes (SCIENCE!) and have nothing to do with our personal preferences, our childhood experiences with shopping (which are often influenced by our race and social class), our social conditioning, our financial situation, or the fact that many of us like to spend time deciding on expensive bike purchases.[3] Wow, SCIENCE!

--All women and men who enter a bike shop together are in a heterosexual romantic relationship and that is your business. You, the manly bike-shop worker,[4] should know about this, because boyfriends/husbands are domineering and girlfriends/wives are submissive. All of them! Never the other way around! Even though women make all the decisions (see below!) It’s sort of confusing! Try not to think about it too much! Be on alert!

--Every woman is in a heterosexual relationship with a man. She is going to make every decision in this relationship. This is true because of statistics! Women are the deciders for 51% of electronics! 60% of cars! 91% of vacations! What do those things have to do with bikes!?!

--Your shop is not a man cave! And don’t talk about the weather with your lady customers! This is a confusing one, ‘cause if you thought you were in a cave but now you’re NOT, the weather is a logical topic of conversation. But don’t do it, because that is WRONG. Ladies hate the weather. And caves.

--Women need time to think about things because it is hard for them to make up their little lady brains! It’s like, they can handle basic autonomic body functions and thinking about Ryan Gosling and Activia Yogurt^© at the same time, but when we throw something else in there, their lady brains short circuit. Then they can only think about buying expensive shoes until they can rest and reset in a comfortable place (the kitchen.) Amirite, ladies?

--You can (and should!) give a woman confidence! You, the manly bike-shop worker! Give her confidence! By doing all these things while selling her a bike! That is the only way she can get some…confidence! It won’t backfire even a little!

Wow, I don’t know about you, but by GOD I learned a lot from this presentation. Without it, I would have sold bikes to women IN THE COMPLETELY WRONG WAY. I would have done things like been friendly, listened, and treated them like valued and ungendered customers! I wouldn’t have known to infer about their sex lives or what color bike they might want (PINKWHITEBABYBLUE!!!!!!!) based on what I assumed was in their pants. HOW WRONG I WOULD HAVE BEEN. I would have been selling bikes, not selling bikes to women. That never would have worked.

Thank goodness we all know better now.

---

[1] Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Dir. Adam Mckay. Perf Will Ferrel, Christina Applegate, Steve Carell. Dreamworks, 2004. Film.

[2] I saw Battlestar Galactica, I know what happens when machines are treated with respect and then take control. It’s not good. It doesn’t end well, unless Will Smith and/or Captain Adama is on hand save us.*

*Nerdy ed note: Captain Janeway and President Roslin are not included in this list, because they too, like all women, are machines.

[3] Other traits carried by the X and Y chromosomes include: One’s willingness to ask/not ask for directions; how to immediately find the most expensive item in a store (X); one’s affinity for facts/numbers (Y); one’s affinity for stories (X); how to be a breadwinner (you know which chromosome that one comes on); tears (X).

[4] Yes, HTS-BTW believes that every single bike-shop employee is a man. Aside from gender being fluid, and also dumb, this means they just gave away their man-secrets to my lady roommate and her lady co-workers!!!! Who will now tell all their lady-friends the manly bike-shop workers’ secrets (see: referral machines!!)

This post is all due to the fantastic editing, rewriting, and hilarious additions of Diamond Racecar!!!

Colorblindness

COLORBLINDNESS: It's Not as Useful As You Think.

Dear Lady Zip Zap: Orange Wedding

Here on the blog, I like to do a little of everything. Some social theory (see: Karaoke,) some of my hilarious witticism, and some advice for the common folk.

In lieu of actually knowing any common folk, I have selected a nice (?) lady from Dear Abby to heap my advice upon. You're welcome, Orangey Lady. You're welcome.

question via: http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

Dear Abby:

My fiancé, George Clooney [real names have been changed to encourage anonymity and absurdity] and I have been together for four years. He proposed this summer and our wedding is planned for next year. I thought planning our wedding would be fun, but it has turned out to be a nightmare. I want orange as our primary color, but now George Clooney is saying he “hates” the color orange, although he never mentioned it before. I tried to get him to agree to pair it with a color of his choice, but he refused. George Clooney is being unreasonable and will not agree with me on the color. Since it mainly affects the bridal party, I felt it should be my decision. He says it isn’t, and that he won’t even wear an orange tie or anything like it. What is your opinion?
--STUCK ON THE COLOR IN GEORGIA

Dear Orangey Lady:

Wow, remind me to wear my protective space suit around you, because when your crazy makes your head explode, I don’t want it to get on me and seep into my skin like some horrible contagious crazy bug juice.

Dear Abby suggested that you kindly compromise with your soon-to-be husband, but I’m going to put this a little more bluntly because I’ve gotten the impression you’re not super sensitive to subtlety: YOU ARE HAVING A CRAZY FIT RIGHT NOW. If you want to choose orange over George Clooney, than keep doing what you’re doing. If you’d like to actually have a long and happy marriage with George Clooney, then WAKE UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A TOOL.

I have illustrated several points for you to consider:

1. Orange ties are often ugly. Here is a picture of George Clooney looking sad and dumb with his orange tie on. It is a phallic orange tie, because I am not good at drawing and I like to throw a couple of bones to the Freudians out there (see what I did there?).

Poor George Clooney.

2. Here is a picture of you with the orange wedding of your dreams.  Note the space next to you under the Chupah/alter/marriage thinger.  Because you are alone. Because George Clooney is not coming to your wedding. Because your craziness impeded his ability to want to spend his life with you. So will not, in fact, have a wedding.

3. Here is a graphic representation of your choices:

I hope this helps, Orangey Lady. My advice: Put Your Crazy Away and Pick a Different Freaking Color.

Love,

Lady Zip Zap

Karaoke

This is possibly the most important truth that will ever be posted on any internet, ever.

Some people are great singers.  Some people are great at Karaoke.  Some people are great singers AND great at Karaoke.  To those people, a tip of my dashing top hat.  You are awesome.  Rock on.  Good job, you guys.  Try not to get to cocky.

HOWEVER, there is another sad truth we must discuss: there are some people that are wonderful singers but are truly rotten at Karaoke.  They lack the energy to carry the crowd, or they insist on singing slow old Broadway standards by Gilbert and Sullivan, or they are so focused on their perfect vibrato that they are super boring to watch.  Or they aren't drunk enough, whatever.  The point is this: just cause you're an awesome singer does not mean you need to be doing Karaoke.  Please, do us all a favor, walk away from the microphone and step off the stage.  Save it for choir or musical theater or your jazz improv group where you skills will be appreciated.

AND THEN there are those that are really great at Karaoke.  For some reason, even though they lack basic musical skills like some sort of tonal and/or rhythmic ability, these people are awesome.  Their version of "Don't Stop Believing" is probably better than both Journey's and Glee's.  By the end of their song, they have the whole place standing, screaming, and drinking their heads off.  They get carried off the stage on people's shoulders because they are SO AWESOME AT KARAOKE.  Unfortunately, off the stage, without the bright lights, musical accompaniment, and helpful scrolling lyrics, these people are truly horrible singers.  Due to their aforementioned awesomeness, they think they should sing "Don't Stop Believing" at all times, in all places.  This, to put it plainly, is the opposite of true.  Please.  Stop believing.  Just stop believing.  Save it for the stage, dude.  Save it for the stage.  The Karaoke stage, specifically.  Not any other kind of stage.