Dear Lady Zip Zap: Orange Wedding

Here on the blog, I like to do a little of everything. Some social theory (see: Karaoke,) some of my hilarious witticism, and some advice for the common folk.

In lieu of actually knowing any common folk, I have selected a nice (?) lady from Dear Abby to heap my advice upon. You're welcome, Orangey Lady. You're welcome.

question via: http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

Dear Abby:

My fiancé, George Clooney [real names have been changed to encourage anonymity and absurdity] and I have been together for four years. He proposed this summer and our wedding is planned for next year. I thought planning our wedding would be fun, but it has turned out to be a nightmare. I want orange as our primary color, but now George Clooney is saying he “hates” the color orange, although he never mentioned it before. I tried to get him to agree to pair it with a color of his choice, but he refused. George Clooney is being unreasonable and will not agree with me on the color. Since it mainly affects the bridal party, I felt it should be my decision. He says it isn’t, and that he won’t even wear an orange tie or anything like it. What is your opinion?
--STUCK ON THE COLOR IN GEORGIA

Dear Orangey Lady:

Wow, remind me to wear my protective space suit around you, because when your crazy makes your head explode, I don’t want it to get on me and seep into my skin like some horrible contagious crazy bug juice.

Dear Abby suggested that you kindly compromise with your soon-to-be husband, but I’m going to put this a little more bluntly because I’ve gotten the impression you’re not super sensitive to subtlety: YOU ARE HAVING A CRAZY FIT RIGHT NOW. If you want to choose orange over George Clooney, than keep doing what you’re doing. If you’d like to actually have a long and happy marriage with George Clooney, then WAKE UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A TOOL.

I have illustrated several points for you to consider:

1. Orange ties are often ugly. Here is a picture of George Clooney looking sad and dumb with his orange tie on. It is a phallic orange tie, because I am not good at drawing and I like to throw a couple of bones to the Freudians out there (see what I did there?).

Poor George Clooney.

2. Here is a picture of you with the orange wedding of your dreams.  Note the space next to you under the Chupah/alter/marriage thinger.  Because you are alone. Because George Clooney is not coming to your wedding. Because your craziness impeded his ability to want to spend his life with you. So will not, in fact, have a wedding.

3. Here is a graphic representation of your choices:

I hope this helps, Orangey Lady. My advice: Put Your Crazy Away and Pick a Different Freaking Color.

Love,

Lady Zip Zap