Sarcasm Font - And More!

So, everyone knows that life would be 482% if there were a sarcasm font (if this isn't already trademarked, then TRADEMARK.) People wouldn't be so confused anymore - guys would know that women are intentionally being funny (sometimes referred to as "making a joke") even if they don't laugh afterwards. Republicans would know that I don't actually want them in my vagina. We wouldn't have to use our faces to express ourselves anymore (that counts as exercise, and exercise is unAmerican). Sarcasm font = awesome - that's just common knowledge.

But today, Diamond Racecar got me thinking about other fonts. What if there were fonts for all kinds of human expression? Words would become irrelevant. Awkward conversations would be shortened, or even eliminated altogether. It might be awesome. Observe:

(Because these fonts haven't been invented yet, you're going to need to suspend your disbelief for a while. Words within the ** are the description of the font. Deal with it.)

Instead of this conversation:

DannysLuvr: Hey babe!

Danny386: oh hi
DannysLuvr: What's up? I love you!
Danny386: nothing...just chilling
DannysLuvr: Want to come over winkyface?
Danny386: um, i'm kinda busy.
DannysLuvr: Are you mad at me?  Did I do something wrong?
Danny386: dude, whatever. i'm going to play a video game or do some other stereotypical bro activity now.
DannysLuvr: Call me later?
Danny386: no.

You could just have this:

DannysLuvr: *IAmMadlyInLoveWithYou* Hey

Danny386: *YouAreStiflingMeAndI'mNotIntoYouAnymoreLet'sBreakUp* hey
DannysLuvr: *ExtremeSadnessAndEmotionallyManipulativeCrying* really?
Danny386: *StoicBroWhoIsDoneWithThis* yeah.
DannysLuvr: *IWasOnlyInItForTheSexAnyway* Okay.

Right? So much simpler. Or this one:

DannysLuvr: *IAmMadlyInLoveWithYou* Hey
Danny386: *IAmCheatingOnYou* hey
DannysLuvr: *It'sCoolIAmToo,ThisScreenNameIsn'tEvenAboutYou* Bye

There could be so many other useful ones! For examp:

-I like you and want to make out - is this something you are also interested in?
-I want to talk to you but I really have to poop right now
-Your boyfriend is a horrible asshole and I really think you should not marry him on Saturday
-I slept with your brother
-I'm fatter in real life than my online dating picture has lead you to believe, and now it has been an awkwardly long time for me to not have mentioned that to you
-I'm wanking right now
-I'm fluent in Klingon
-I want an open relationship
-The sex has been kind of boring lately, and I want to tell you about my extreme lamp fetish, but it hasn't come up organically in conversation and I don't want it to be awkward.
-I'm attracted to women
-I am wearing a cape
-I'm a Republican


Super useful. It would be like emoticons for sophisticated people!