Yoga

We all know what yoga studio websites say they are. This is what they might be.

[homepage]
Welcome to Twisty Painful!
Here at Twisty Painful, we believe in cultivating the yoga practitioner in all underemployed bendy young white American women. Our teachers are slightly hit or miss - some of them are great, but some will make you feel ashamed and awkwardly angular. We are not all that supportive of newcomers - no one will learn your name for months - but you can come anyway. We provide one parking space near our studio, but will shame you publicly if you don't bike to class. Our varied schedule follows the flow of human energy, so most of our classes occur at 10am and 3pm, which are the most convenient times for all people. Our regular sized studio has a floor and a ceiling, and smells a lot like old sweaty feet. We will chant together, and there will always be someone yelling like a yak right next to you. Come join our cliquish community by giving us your money, and we will help you practice putting your face near the part of the floor your feet were just on.

[Frequently Asked Questions]
Question: Do I have to be in shape to practice yoga?
Answer: Yes! Twisty Yoga is, by and large, for bendy, strong, tattooed, white people who are already good at it.

Question: Should I bring my own mat?
Answer: We have mats available to rent, but they cost $15 a class, which brings your per-class total up to about $50.

Question: I don't have a lot of money. Can I still practice yoga at Twisty Yoga?
Answer: No! Unlimited monthly passes are $365 each, and individual drop-ins are $25.

Question: I am not spiritual. Can I still practice yoga?
Answer: We hope so, cause we are! Even though we all have tattoos in Sanskrit!


Ed. note: I really like yoga. But this stuff is too easy.