Fleapocalypse 2012

A month or so ago, I noticed something that made me feel like disgusting 13 year old pimply piece of gross.

Then, a week or so later, Diamond Racecar noticed that she had a couple bunches of bug bites. Freaking mosquitoes, we thought. That sucks, but whatever. They'll go away soon.

Every day she found more and more bug bites. We thought maybe bugs just really like to eat her. We pretended like her bundles of bites and my weird thigh pimples were totally unrelated. We pretended like the cat was constantly itching and licking herself because she just liked the way she tastes.

But then, yesterday morning, I realized what it really was.

We had fleas. Not thigh pimples, not dancing mosquitoes. Fleas. Brought into our now-frustratingly giant house on the back of our, now that you mention it, very itchy cat. A billion little tiny icky jumpy hoppy bitey flea bugs. 

This is what our house really looks like:

But even though I hadn’t seen them, this is what I imagine our house looked like.

This is what the cat probably actually looked like.

But this is what I'm sure she looked like.

WE SPRUNG INTO ACTION. I spent a billion dollars on anti-flea supplies. We vacuumed, we sprayed, we did 12 loads of laundry. It was a flurry of disgusting and skin crawling activity. The worst thing we had to do was wash the cat. I bought a spray to use on her. The one thing I didn’t think of was how much the cat was not going to like being sprayed. Cats don’t like water. They don’t like spray bottles. And the really don’t like being sprayed with liquid from a spray-bottle while being forcibly held down on the front porch.

Once we finished, she ran away, looking more like a porcupine than she ever had before. She hated us. She would never trust us again. She skulked. She looked at us like we had murdered her babies. She climbed trees and hid under cars, just out of reach.
It took hours before she would even come back in the house. And when she did, she had her revenge on us.

Whatever. At least I didn’t actually have thigh pimples.

*if this post reminds you of Hyperbole and a Half, that means you're a smart person who reads Hyperbole and Half. If it doesn't remind you of Hyperbole and a Half, you should probably go check it out. Cause it's awesome*

Yoga

We all know what yoga studio websites say they are. This is what they might be.

[homepage]
Welcome to Twisty Painful!
Here at Twisty Painful, we believe in cultivating the yoga practitioner in all underemployed bendy young white American women. Our teachers are slightly hit or miss - some of them are great, but some will make you feel ashamed and awkwardly angular. We are not all that supportive of newcomers - no one will learn your name for months - but you can come anyway. We provide one parking space near our studio, but will shame you publicly if you don't bike to class. Our varied schedule follows the flow of human energy, so most of our classes occur at 10am and 3pm, which are the most convenient times for all people. Our regular sized studio has a floor and a ceiling, and smells a lot like old sweaty feet. We will chant together, and there will always be someone yelling like a yak right next to you. Come join our cliquish community by giving us your money, and we will help you practice putting your face near the part of the floor your feet were just on.

[Frequently Asked Questions]
Question: Do I have to be in shape to practice yoga?
Answer: Yes! Twisty Yoga is, by and large, for bendy, strong, tattooed, white people who are already good at it.

Question: Should I bring my own mat?
Answer: We have mats available to rent, but they cost $15 a class, which brings your per-class total up to about $50.

Question: I don't have a lot of money. Can I still practice yoga at Twisty Yoga?
Answer: No! Unlimited monthly passes are $365 each, and individual drop-ins are $25.

Question: I am not spiritual. Can I still practice yoga?
Answer: We hope so, cause we are! Even though we all have tattoos in Sanskrit!


Ed. note: I really like yoga. But this stuff is too easy.

Advice! This is Your Shot!

Need advice?

Got some sort of problem that only a snippy answer from someone you may or may not have ever met can solve?

Well aren't you in luck! Email your life problems to: all.them.internets@gmail.com, and if you're lucky, I'll post your woes for the whole internets to see.

No, but really. You should do it.

Sarcasm Font - And More!

So, everyone knows that life would be 482% if there were a sarcasm font (if this isn't already trademarked, then TRADEMARK.) People wouldn't be so confused anymore - guys would know that women are intentionally being funny (sometimes referred to as "making a joke") even if they don't laugh afterwards. Republicans would know that I don't actually want them in my vagina. We wouldn't have to use our faces to express ourselves anymore (that counts as exercise, and exercise is unAmerican). Sarcasm font = awesome - that's just common knowledge.

But today, Diamond Racecar got me thinking about other fonts. What if there were fonts for all kinds of human expression? Words would become irrelevant. Awkward conversations would be shortened, or even eliminated altogether. It might be awesome. Observe:

(Because these fonts haven't been invented yet, you're going to need to suspend your disbelief for a while. Words within the ** are the description of the font. Deal with it.)

Instead of this conversation:

DannysLuvr: Hey babe!

Danny386: oh hi
DannysLuvr: What's up? I love you!
Danny386: nothing...just chilling
DannysLuvr: Want to come over winkyface?
Danny386: um, i'm kinda busy.
DannysLuvr: Are you mad at me?  Did I do something wrong?
Danny386: dude, whatever. i'm going to play a video game or do some other stereotypical bro activity now.
DannysLuvr: Call me later?
Danny386: no.

You could just have this:

DannysLuvr: *IAmMadlyInLoveWithYou* Hey

Danny386: *YouAreStiflingMeAndI'mNotIntoYouAnymoreLet'sBreakUp* hey
DannysLuvr: *ExtremeSadnessAndEmotionallyManipulativeCrying* really?
Danny386: *StoicBroWhoIsDoneWithThis* yeah.
DannysLuvr: *IWasOnlyInItForTheSexAnyway* Okay.

Right? So much simpler. Or this one:

DannysLuvr: *IAmMadlyInLoveWithYou* Hey
Danny386: *IAmCheatingOnYou* hey
DannysLuvr: *It'sCoolIAmToo,ThisScreenNameIsn'tEvenAboutYou* Bye

There could be so many other useful ones! For examp:

-I like you and want to make out - is this something you are also interested in?
-I want to talk to you but I really have to poop right now
-Your boyfriend is a horrible asshole and I really think you should not marry him on Saturday
-I slept with your brother
-I'm fatter in real life than my online dating picture has lead you to believe, and now it has been an awkwardly long time for me to not have mentioned that to you
-I'm wanking right now
-I'm fluent in Klingon
-I want an open relationship
-The sex has been kind of boring lately, and I want to tell you about my extreme lamp fetish, but it hasn't come up organically in conversation and I don't want it to be awkward.
-I'm attracted to women
-I am wearing a cape
-I'm a Republican


Super useful. It would be like emoticons for sophisticated people!